Mb: Marvin, The Mechanical Man

[cryxus]

I am unsure about where i should post this, so I decided to post this here...apologies on the way it's formatted too, I wrote it this way to make it easier for me to tell. If I get enough comments about the formatting, I will switch it to a traditional paragraph style.

Also, I wrote this myself, I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoy telling it.

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A long time ago in Golemus, back when it was bustling with tinkerers and inventors, before there was the fort that sits atop the mountain, there was a city.

Inside this city existed a museum which housed some of Golemus' greatest inventions.

There he sat, Marvin, the closest to a sentient machine that had been created.

There he was on display, only collecting dust, for his motors had long been disconnected, and he moved no longer.

It had been many years since he had been placed there, and many people now came to the museum to look at him, especially the greatest inventors of the land, for they were envious they could not create such a machine.

One such visitor was an aspiring inventor named Tinnius Beridek.

He marveled in Marvin's shiny splendor, and Marvin sparked Tinnius' imagination.

As the ages bore down upon Tinnius he spent much of his time studying the anatomy of humans, and made many theories on how he could created artificial life.

He wrote many tomes on the subject that never reached another's eyes, it became an obsession, so much so that he had accomplished little in his life other than his theories.

One day Tinnius came to the realization that if he didn't act quickly he would lose his only opportunity to make his dreams come to fruition.

Tinnius had been very wealthy in his own time, and the years of lonely silence had taken their tolls on his sanity.

Tinnius hit the streets and, none too quickly, found the thieves guild. He offered to pay an elaborate amount of money for them to retrieve the shell of Marvin.

They pondered over this endeavor, but not for very long before they decided they would indeed perform this task for the demented coot.

They struck quickly that night, not allowing enough time for the word to hit the street and quickly infiltrated the museum and dispatched of the guards in a rather bloody fashion.

They ransacked the place taking many valuables, forever scarring Golemus' history, but they made sure to get what they came for. The lame shell of a failed experiment known as Marvin.

The deal went down in a proper fashion, Tinnius paid his dues up front, and the guild was more than pleased with the fortunes they reaped.

Over the next few months Tinnius slowly dismantled Marvin to see if he could find his secret inner workings.


“Brilliant!” Tinnius thought to himself often “I can easily expound upon this with what I have discovered over the years, but this time I want it to mimic life.”

Once Marvin was dismantled and laid out upon his table, ready to be worked upon, and his notes complete Tinnius did another despicable act and kidnapped a poor lad. He brought the boy back to his lab.

He also dismantled the boy, and using what he knew of anatomy, as well as others experiments, he kept the parts of the boy alive.

He began co-mingling the parts into one body, which he still called Marvin, giving it a mechanical brain, a new four stroke heart, mimicking a human's, and reworked it's nervous system, allowing it to respond with unprecedented speed.

This process took months, but by the time it was done Tinnius stood back in amazement, there on his table laid the greatest invention...life.

He flipped a switch and and electricity sparked jealously within Marvin's new mind. His heart began to beat, da-da...da-da, and he took his first gasp for air.

He sucked in, involuntarily, and the cold air pained his lungs.

He screamed, unaware of how he did any of this, and the first feeling he felt was the feeling of being overwhelmed...the pain of life was all about him, he had never felt this before...he opened his eyes, and saw colors for the first time, and he was repulsed by it all.

Pain, swirling agony, instant comprehension from nothing.

Tinnius had programmed Marvin with basic knowledge for him to work off of, he had purposely left out certain information he deemed unnecessary to essential survival.

“...What...how...?” Marvin asked, his body twitched, and shook, as he tried to comprehend how to move, trying to figure the mechanics of his own body.

He felt nauseated, and probably would have thrown up if he had the ability to at the time.

He looked back at Tinnius who's face was lit with an unprecedented amount of joy.

“Tinnius” Marvin said, having had this programmed into his brain for Tinnius' own selfish reasons.

“Indeed son” He replied “welcome to life”

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The preceding story of Marvin the Mechanical man

Marvin had a hard time adjusting, although Tinnius tried to give him what he could...a house, nourishment, and a place to sleep, but Tinnius had been a miserly old man, and knew little of love.

It was not long before death was at Tinnius' door...Marvin had been created hastily because Tinnius had the foresight to know his time was at hand.

Marvin spent much of his time trying to understand his surroundings, and was often left alone.

Tinnius passed a quiet death, in his sleep, certainly not the death he deserved, but the world's cruel, and many things are not as they should be.

Marvin was left alone to cope with feelings he didn't understand...he was frightened constantly...and fear does horrible things to an impressionable mind.

Marvin began to become a spiteful being...but as long as there were tomes, and nourishment, he remained in Tinnius' abode.

It was several month before anyone even suspected Tinnius' death, for he always been a hermit, and they occasionally saw Marvin stirring about the place, and they mistook him for Tinnius.

Marvin longed for company, but didn't even know of the outside world aside from what he read in tomes which often painted the world in a despicable light, but Marvin was soon forced out into it, in search of food.

He donned Tinnius' jacket and stepped out into the world.

As he passed people in the street he scowled at his own lack of knowledge, and cursed himself for the abomination he was.

He did not fully understand what he was, or what his purpose in this life was, he was very young still, but wondered why he had never experienced a infancy, or a child stage in his life.

He watched the world as he walked, trying to take in what he saw.

He would see children running and playing, and this only made him jealous. He did not know this though. He wished to end their fun and playing, because the jealousy only grasped him harder...but he was hungry and knew that doing so would be useless.

He smelt something sweet on the air, and he knew there was food nearby. He followed his nose to an old lady's house, and barged in.

The woman was very scared at Marvin's unexpected arrival.

“I am here for food!” Marvin explained, lacking social graces.

The woman gasped, then asked “why would you do this to a poor old woman?!”

Marvin didn't realize that the question was rhetorical...or even what rhetorical meant, so he answered after several seconds of thought.

“I am hungry...usually my father feeds me, but he died a while ago...and I smelt food here.”

The old woman believed Marvin because she could sense the desperation and sincerity in his voice.

“Would you be willing to share this dinner with me, son?” she asked. “It has been a while since I have had company, and it sounds like you have had hard times yourself”

Marvin tried to process what she asked...”son?” he thought “Tinnius never told me I had a mother, maybe I should have dinner here.”

“That sounds reasonable I suppose...mother” he replied.

“Oh dear, no” replied the woman “I am not your mother...I can't be...I didn't mean that when I called you son, that is merely and expression...but will you share dinner with me anyhow?”

“what an odd thing to call me” Marvin thought...but he had already gotten accustomed to the thought of sharing dinner, something about sharing dinner appealed to him.

“Yes, that is fine” he said, still standing at the door.

“ok, please have a seat” the old lady pulled out a seat, feeling more comfortable once Marvin sat, and relaxed a bit.

The woman prepared dinner, which was done shortly, occasionally eying Marvin to make sure he didn't tried to steal what little she had.

“So, can you tell me about yourself...son?” The woman asked

Marvin was a little relieved to hear someone call him this, and sighed contently before explaining “My name is Marvin, my father was Tinnius, and my only goal is to live, and learn. I have only been around for a few months I can remember, and my father died a few months ago, and I don't know much about...” he thought for a second. “...this world.”

The woman was a bit confused because she had known Tinnius when they were both younger, and she had never heard of Tinnius having a child, but she decided it was not outside the realm of possibility.

“Well, that is very sad to hear...Marvin was it?”

Marvin nodded.

“And what do you mean by you have only been around for a few months? You look like a healthy young lad to me” she asked

“I mean I don't remember more than 7 months ago...i think how long I've been around...I'm pretty sure” Marvin tried to explain.

The woman was very confused. “well you must have lost your memory son, I guess that explains why you called me mother...anyhow, do you have a place to stay? It would be a shame for you to live a lonely existence”

Marvin shrugged, not knowing what to say to this, for he enjoyed someone being concerned for him, it was a new exciting feeling...a good one, as opposed to the rest he had experienced in his short life.

“Well you can stay with me, and...” The woman looked hopeful for a second. “...you can call me 'mother' if you want” she smiled warmly at Marvin “but if you dont want to, the name is Minerva, but most around here call me 'Minny'”

Marvin smiled, unable to contain it “I think that sounds good...'mother'”

[Soltis]

I'm not sure what form the story is taking. Is it supposed to be a long, chapter story or a short, moral driven one?
It feels like the latter at first the way you speed through descriptions and events that could warrant paragraphs or even entire chapters of their own in order to, what it feels like, "get to the end and make the point", but the story is then hit with a cliffhanger at Marvin's activation.

There's a few ways you could make it better, you could expand upon some of those descriptions and events like what Marvin looks like or the abduction of the boy who's name we don't even learn, even with stories of their own, or you could end the story quick and convey the morale of the tale and leave descriptions and events ambiguous on purpose so the readers fill in the blanks instead. It's great so far but I'm getting mixed messages from it. It almost feels like the forum cut your post off by accident and you didn't notice yet or something. I'm not gonna give you a score or anything because it doesn't feel done.

[cryxus]

it is supposed to be in a storyteller form...i am avoiding overly long descriptions, because they are unimportant and only lose interest as you tell them...mind you i am posting this into the chat one line at a time...

...and the cliffhang is there because i am making more parts to it, which i intend to tell at later times

[Soltis]

Before you say descriptions are unimportant and that listeners may lose interest, you must think carefully about that. A well placed description can not only help a listener draw the picture in their mind, it can help them connect internally with the scene or character.
It's the way such things are done that count as well. Of course 3 pages of everything a character is is unimportant, the balance is fragile. I know you're doing it one line at a time of course, as much as will fit into the chat, and that even this could be an hour or so. It's food for thought. I'm not going to tell you how to tell your story- just what's made the impression so far, good or bad. A kidnapping is something you could expand the story on if you emphasized the personality of Tinnius, and then the line where Tinnius' name was programmed into Marvin wouldn't feel orphaned. Shock value can be used as a cliffhanger, but it never has to work alone like that final line does. Sometimes if the audience can see it coming it can be that much stronger, not boring.
I do look forward to the next part, where I'm guessing the moral is conveyed. Like I said, this story type works- the buildups are supposed to be fast and come to a hard hitting end. It just felt a bit confusing since the story could really have gone either way from the way you've told it so far, so go for it.

[Blaze777]

Actually, I was there for the story, and if he would have put more descriptions I would have lost interest and left. It took a really long time as it is, any more description and nothing would have happened.

[Soltis]

Part II took about half an hour, I've talked for longer to others and we kept interest- it's a story. If you're not going to stay for the whole thing, don't stay at all.

[Peace]

To my opinion both parts were very well placed and told. From the very beginning it caught my interest and it still does. I can't wait for the third part.

P.S. Good Job mon capitan :good:

[Soltis]

I agree. I love it so far, and I enjoy offering advice.