Proposed Title doc text: Zleiphneir

[Intrigue]

Zleiphneir

Guardian of Bob

Awarded this title for his dedication to his role as the Guardian of Bob.

Through his ongoing persistence, much of the realm was made aware of Bob the Tree. Throughout time past, even with the promise of fame and status, his dedication did not waver. He is one of the most dedicated Guardians of Bob in the history of MagicDuel.

 

Knight of Slumber

Awarded this title for his ability to nap for extended periods of time with one eye open.

Although his activity has waned in recent times, he is still known to haunt the

Path of Loneliness. Many have mistaken his silence for absence, and received quite

the surprise when realizing he is silently watching.

 

 

 

*edited per feedback from Chew

Edited September 17, 2014 by Intrigue

[Chewett]

A general point to bear in mind for future tags and this one:

 

Its MagicDuel or Magicduel. I prefere MagicDuel, but its not two words.

 

Also, Personally I wouldnt put negative comments on the titles, using the word pestering seems negative, and I dont like that in a title document.

 

To the tag, Changes I would make or consider suggesting:

 

>>Awarded this title for his dedication to his role as [a or the] Guardian of Bob.

Fits better adding this.

 

>>Through his ongoing persistence and pestering,

I wouldnt have pestering as above.

 

>>Throughout time past, his dedication did not waver, even with the promise of fame and status.

Too many commas. A general rule is that if you have a sentence in three parts (separated by two commas) the middle section should be able to be removed and still make sense. So I would change this to either:

A) Throughout time past[removal of comma] his dedication did not waver, even with the promise of fame and status.

B) Throughout time past, even with the promise of fame and status, his dedication did not waver. (middle can be removed and sentence makes sense)

 

---

 

The other bits seem fine

[Intrigue]

Thankee for the input and I'll edit accordingly.

 

Also, the pestering bit wasn't meant in a negative way at all, but i understand your point and will remove.

[Ary Endleg]

Too many commas. A general rule is that if you have a sentence in three parts (separated by two commas) the middle section should be able to be removed and still make sense. So I would change this to either:

 

There's rule about that? Never heard of before. Are there any other similar rules in English language or linguistics in general?

[Rophs]

There are different uses of commas.

 

For example:

Ary Endleg, who is a kitty, likes to eat mice.

 

You can remove the "who is a kitty" part to just be

Ary Endleg likes to eat mice.2

[Intrigue]

It has been far too many years ago that I took English, so I don't remember all the rules honestly, and I know there were quite a few, including all the exceptions for this or that.

Even without the precedence of a rule though, "Throughout time past, even with the promise of fame and status, his dedication did not waver." seems to read better to me.

[Ivorak]

Actually, I would agree with "Throughout time past, even with the promise of fame and status, his dedication did not waver." 

 

Non-essential clauses should always be set apart with a pair of commas. See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dependent_clause#English_punctuation.

[Sasha Lilias]

Actually, I would agree with "Throughout time past, even with the promise of fame and status, his dedication did not waver." 

 

Non-essential clauses should always be set apart with a pair of commas. See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dependent_clause#English_punctuation.

 

Don't quote wikipedia!! GRAHH!

 

But yes, comma should be in place.

 

"Throughout time past his dedication did not waver"

 

Insert clause:

 

"Throughout time past, even with the promise of fame and status, his dedication did not waver"

 

Makes sense both with and without the clause. Removal and rearrangement of the comma staggers the flow of the sentence.

 

I would suggest, however, perhaps something with still more of a flow? Perhaps this?

 

"Throughout time past, even with the promise of prominence and power, his dedication did not waver."

 

As for below:

 

Awarded this title for his ability to nap, for extended periods of time,⁽¹⁾with one eye open.

Although his activity has waned in recent times, he is still known to haunt the

Path of Loneliness. Many have mistaken his silence for absence, and received quite the surprise when realizing he is silently watching.⁽²⁾

 

 

(1) Nap is to sleep for a short period. To "nap for an extended amount of time" is a contradiction of the word. I suggest: Replace "nap" for "sleep".

 

(2) There's no need for a serial comma. I'd recommend reconstructing the sentence: "Many have received quite the surprise by mistaking his silence for absence, when in fact he silently watches them."

 

Edited title would be:

 

Awarded this title for his ability to sleep for long periods with one eye open.

Although his activity has waned in recent times, he is still known to haunt the

Path of Loneliness. Many have received quite the surprise by mistaking his silence for absence, when in fact he silently watches them.

 

 

Only my views and comments; ignore if unneeded. Otherwise, awesome job!

Edited February 6, 2015 by Sasha Lilias

[Intrigue]

I appreciate the feedback Sasha. I chose the word Nap because of the intervals in which it happens, he is/was quite often asleep one moment, and awake the next, and then asleep again, almost as though just catnapping here and there instead of ever truly sleeping.