Story Night Comments

[Curiose]

[b]Session 11/13/10[/b]

1. The Farmer Who Looked Up: Observations from the Country Side
-Nice metaphors.
-I wanted to read more. The feelings were there, but seemed to end too soon


2. Yoko and Kiko
-Good for off the cuff, could have more impact.
-I like how the young boy realized he had power too.

3. Poem: Writing is Work
-Insightful, well-thought out and well-written
-I understand the part about 'writing is work'. I had a difficult time judging this one.


4. Poem Read by Peace
-Tidy, neat writing.
-A beautiful poem.

[Curiose]

[b]Session 1/22/11[/b]


Please note: The extra comments were of courtesy by a sponsor who also acts as an extra judge. He did NOT judge, but rather helped with comprising all of the scores.

The Colour of the Birds:
-The sad thing here, is that with a very small amount of tweaking this story could have gotten an 8 or 9. Certain parts show that there is real skill, which leads me to believe that this was let down by lack of effort more than anything.
- Imaginative, but needs refinement.
-too short, too little fleshing out
-This creation myth story is somewhat imaginative, but it lacks complexity. I would have liked some layers in the writing. Also the writing itself needs some polishing. PS: split infinitives are not fun (to just fly). Technically not wrong anymore, but it lacks grace.

A Story About Two:
-Too confusing, unclear usage of language
-Attempts at an intricate or experimental presentation fall short; the story is hard to follow.
-I could follow the story easily, however if you feel you need to remind someone of a concept then obviously you don't feel it is written well enough. Interesting ideas, however the implications and effects of them are barely even touched upon. There is no emotion to the story, despite it being a story About emotions, and certain parts are not appropriate for the audience it was presented to (read: MD Rules page; Chat content)
-The suspense was undermined by the constant pauses and confounding language.

Story- Lawliet L:
-too short, but nonetheless interesting motif
-Please scan for typos next time. The gimmick was interesting but tired, and there wasn't enough content to redeem that. A paragraph is not enough room to build up to a grand reveal. Spend more time building suspense.
-Could have been improved with length, and better proofreading. Otherwise, quite enjoyable.

Story- Child of the Soul:
-lacks in depth and the solution for the answer
-Colorful. A few inconsistencies.
-The description in the story doesn't seem to hold together, and the events don't have a natural feel to them. Suddenly, x happens. Try to imagine how someone might actually feel. Also, this type of stories has more cliches built in than a book of Chinese proverbs. That'll alienate any readers that aren't entertained by the theme at every appearance.
-It starts off very well, however then it feels rushed. A lot of good technical usage of language in there, but intermingled with amaturish usage as well. Once again, let down more by lack of effort than anything.

The Postman:
-Better, but the story ends unrealistically, and theres no story tied together just ideas
-An enjoyable story, and well written.
-Trying to replicate what these people talk like was a distraction… and feel ironically inauthentic, probably because all you really changed was taking out a few letters here and there. Also the names were confusing. The narrative itself wasn't half bad - the initial though of the postman, that he delivers news good and bad, was really quite clever. The framing of the idea, however, could have used some tact.
-Loved it.

Poem for Marvolo:
-Short, shows the story, but could be much more
- It seemed an mediocre attempt at poetry in the first lines, and then devolved into flippancy.
-I didn't like the 'censored' bit. Or the zoo bit.
-I dislike this story, and would have given it a 0 for its lack of technical skill and its intent to be offensive.

Story- Xrieg:
-Amusing. Could be better, but has a refreshing style, still the morals could be improved
-"Not every printed word is deep and full of wisdom." I'd say this piece falls in that category. But a 3 for some humor.
-The half-wisdom was really oddly done.
-here were MANY moments where I just thought "Oh no, really... That's a bit hackneyed...". Still, it was enjoyable.

Story- Darigan:
-Unoriginal, and not the best language
-Short words strung into rambling sentences to the effect that I have no idea what I just read. Perhaps I fell asleep.
-Please proof-read better. Also… where is this story going? Because it hasn't gone anywhere by the time it's ended. It's a conflictless detail of your first day.
-I couldn't even bother reading it, just skimmed it, since it was so unoriginal. I literally went "blah blah blah" as I read some parts.

Poem- AmberRune:
-too short, no content
-It's simple, but it also has a certain grace because of that. The way to get better - take the innocent view and talk about something with a bit more substance. Layers.
-A Fairly basic poem. Could be improved greatly by studying varies poetic techniques (for example, not every line needs to rhyme, or having them rhyme in rhythm rather than sound)

Poem- Kay Ingild
-short, so it lacks substance
- Well written, but contains little in regard to plot or theme.
-It's conflict less, which makes it hard to read or relate to. Where is the tension?
-Feels like a very short extract from a very interesting story. I like it, but I can't really engage with it.

[Maebius]

[quote name='Curiose' timestamp='1296253005' post='78181']
The Colour of the Birds:
-The sad thing here, is that with a very small amount of tweaking this story could have gotten an 8 or 9. Certain parts show that there is real skill, which leads me to believe that this was let down by lack of effort more than anything.
- Imaginative, but needs refinement.
-too short, too little fleshing out
-This creation myth story is somewhat imaginative, but it lacks complexity. I would have liked some layers in the writing. Also the writing itself needs some polishing. PS: split infinitives are not fun (to just fly). Technically not wrong anymore, but it lacks grace.[/quote]

To add some additional commentary, (since I was unable to be on for this reading, but did catch the earlier StoryNight at 5:00) The Colours of the Birds was written by my young son, with only moderate editing for typos and ..um... er.. like... ahh and a few minor suggestions from me for changes that he asked "can you say that better?" (he dictated it to me). I'm quite pleased that his story got the praises it did, and will let him know it was enjoyed.
I apologize if using essentially "third party stories" was against the spirit of the Night. I did offer one of my own 'telling' to Awiiya earlier.

[Curiose]

It is not.

But seeing as your child is not old enough to be on MD.... The reward goes to you. I am sure he will be quite pleased just knowing that it was shared. : 3

But for future reference:
If someone wants to share something that was written FOR them, and they get shared, that prize does not go to the person sharing. Instead, it will go to the writer knowing or not that they get a prize.

[xrieg]

Thanks for comments - constructive feedback is always appreciated!

[Kay Ingild]

Yes, thank you!
I was aware my contribution was more a "vignette" than a story, really, but the judges' reactions really bring home how that held it back.
I hope to write other stories for other Story Nights which will give the judges far more fodder for criticism

[Atrumist]

Lol the comment for my story is funny. If the author of that comment is not able to feel or understand that story than he/she is not in position to comment it. I have one or two suggestion(s) for him or her -> think about your dreams or watch a David Lynch movie.
And about the language - its confound because you can't use different writing in the chat, its confound because poetry is what gets lost in translation, and this story is that - primitive twisted poetry. However this 'story' wasn't for everyone, some things are of need for fitting shards in the element of right perception.

But never mind, I want to donate the reward to a random player if that is possible.

Edited January 29, 2011 by Atrumist

[awiiya]

"And about the language - its confound because you can't use different writing in the chat, its confound because poetry is what gets lost in translation,"

Confound - a verb.
Confounding - adjective form of the verb. Dictionary.com - "to throw into increased confusion or disorder."

So when I say, "The suspense was undermined by the constant pauses and confounding language," I do not mean that I could not understand your story, or that I felt that you were inserting an artistic film that gave texture to your writing. I mean that the intended (if you intended it at all) suspense, which is an emotion best served raw, didn't happen for me because of the reasons I listed.

And for the record, if you are to repeat a word that a critic uses, it's important to use it correctly to show that you have a grasp of what the critic said in the first place.

Awi

[Atrumist]

[quote name='awiiya' timestamp='1296283329' post='78204']
"And about the language - its confound because you can't use different writing in the chat, its confound because poetry is what gets lost in translation,"

Confound - a verb.
Confounding - adjective form of the verb. Dictionary.com - "to throw into increased confusion or disorder."

So when I say, "The suspense was undermined by the constant pauses and confounding language," I do not mean that I could not understand your story, or that I felt that you were inserting an artistic film that gave texture to your writing. I mean that the intended (if you intended it at all) suspense, which is an emotion best served raw, didn't happen for me because of the reasons I listed.

And for the record, if you are to repeat a word that a critic uses, it's important to use it correctly to show that you have a grasp of what the critic said in the first place.

Awi
[/quote]

With this reply you confirmed that you didn't understand the story. This story wasn't wrote to invoke any kind of suspense, it reversible goal was exactly the thing that you dislike - to confuse you. And why did that ? Because you analyzed it but you didn't tried to receive it.

No this is not story about emotions. It is an emotion(s) that tries to be a story.

*Salutes you*

Edited January 29, 2011 by Atrumist

[awiiya]

You will notice that I included the parenthetical note "If you intended it at all."

What I mean is that without attempting suspense, your story is worse than it would have been had you consciously attempted it. I gave you the benefit of the doubt.

But obviously, any story you write is up to the reader's subjective perspective to determine the subject matter and worth. So really an opinion is just that, and to criticize an opinion is quite impossible. You can't tell me my interpretation was any less valuable or worthwhile than your intention, because the very nature of literature relies on the equality of responses.

I agree that grading stories is ludicrous, but it must be done, and I've given my best attempt to be fair and just in my gradings. You may pick apart my critical perspective as a misunderstanding, but if you expect your message to ring loud and clear, perhaps you should spend more time talking to yourself. You are, after all, the only person that will see precisely what you meant your readers to see.

Awi

[Atrumist]

[quote name='awiiya' timestamp='1296322819' post='78236']
You will notice that I included the parenthetical note "If you intended it at all."

What I mean is that without attempting suspense, your story is worse than it would have been had you consciously attempted it. I gave you the benefit of the doubt.

But obviously, any story you write is up to the reader's subjective perspective to determine the subject matter and worth. So really an opinion is just that, and to criticize an opinion is quite impossible. You can't tell me my interpretation was any less valuable or worthwhile than your intention, because the very nature of literature relies on the equality of responses.

I agree that grading stories is ludicrous, but it must be done, and I've given my best attempt to be fair and just in my gradings. You may pick apart my critical perspective as a misunderstanding, but if you expect your message to ring loud and clear, perhaps you should spend more time talking to yourself. You are, after all, the only person that will see precisely what you meant your readers to see.

Awi
[/quote]

I totally agree with this, however my response was not for the grading but because of the reason I felt that the critic of this story didn't tried to connect as he/she should do (from his/her own reasons off course). Not every piece is on equal stadium of perception , not every story needs the same level of attention, not every language can be understand by just knowing its grammatical, morphological and semantical characteristics. The plot sometimes is not the plot itself. For the implicit reader this should be a tenet.

And as you said you rated this story subjective, telling that it would be better if 'you do that or that' not as it is, not by floating perspective but from yours.

There is not point in continuing this discussion as it ends in blind alley. My intention is done, a prod.

Edited January 29, 2011 by Atrumist