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I'm afraid I won't be writing this stuff in the future, for whatever reasons there may be. Life is moving fast for me (and for everyone, I suppose), and I find myself incapable of sustaining my intellectual researches. It's been like that for a while, it's nothing sudden, but it feels like it's the time for sudden movements, without looking back. You know what they say - never look back, that's the way to happiness. But, really, can one do it? I think the 'quo vadis' moments are key to what a human being is, without them we're happy, yes, but not really human.

Then, of course, is the discourse of why write it at all. Here. Well, first of all, I can't say much of this to old folks. They're done for. Secondly, I got used to this being a place where to discuss ideas. Lastly, I try to bring forth something I slept on when I write a text. It's my foolish hope to change something - at least for someone out there.

I don't really know where to start. A little about me - I searched some kind of absolute truth. But then, you realize there is no such thing. It's a pretty depressing conclusion. Blessed are the ignorants, you know this. I looked at myself, I looked at others. What is the world, what am I, all that. I guess there's nothing strange about it, except for the fact that the whole research of who we are and why we do what we do is quite strange, if you think about it. I really think the human being is the maximum of nature's species, in the sense that you can create more complex and stronger species, but all species that look for a reason for their life are, to me, humans.  There's some kind of eye that records everything, the inner eye that wakes up at a certain age, a self that stands to the side and pieces memories together so that we believe in the illusion called time. This eye...this godly thing...I can't explain. But, in the end, it's this that gives us the purpose and fate of human beings. I think Mur wrote somewhere that we are meant to be observers, and it's pretty much what we are. And why we are. But, at the same time, one day the inner eye closes. It's nature that closes it, just as it opened it. Then, the next generation is starting the same thing. All over again. I suppose this very idea is enough to generate buddhism. Let's escape the pain of being observers and live as energy in the higher circles.

So, my inner eye is closing. I am tired, I suppose this means I got old. For some time now, I pondered upon the ideas of paradise and hell, upon things such as work and knowledge. Funny, it's all upside down. Work is hell, knowledge is war, ignorance is paradise.

When we were hunters and gatherers, we simply lived as animals. But, one day, we got some knowledge. We discovered agriculture and we started to work for the things we got for free before. And we started hunting for knowledge, and it brought us more and more often to war. Thus, the biblical parable of the exile from paradise makes sense to me now (I loath that book, however, its writers hid the real messages in parables). God is Nature, work created this world we live in now, where we keep feeling that we lost our paradise. And don't get me wrong, disease, violence, war and famine was present in the paradise of the animal-humans. But there was no work. Then, we got knowledge. Knowledge is power. Power comes with responsability. Just thinking about it, makes me laugh. Think about the idea of greed. It makes no sense. Greed is against the natural instincts. Greed hurts. But that's a mechanism that nature created to keep us in check. To make wars against each other, to eliminate the big number of humans. I think we're not needed in such a great number. Maybe I'm wrong, but when we say human, we have all these weird things that we can discuss, that make no sense. We do all these weird things. Why? We keep exploring, we keep working for knowledge, then we use it to fight eachother. (btw, this is not jesus speaking, i'm not really a pacifist...or maybe...)

But I had a vision, in which this tribe which mainly fishes (for example) and eats seafruits and plants, which gathers every evening around a fire and drinks some alcohol, which makes them forget their characters (and in fact their characters, already very subtle, mingle into one great conscience), is living in paradise. No work, no learning, no real war. Death from diseases, maybe even aggresion, or from famine, yes. But happiness that comes to all living members of the tribe, these ignorant savages, although maybe it's the happiness that is not understood at all. That's not to say that the world we live in is awful. In fact, it has good and bad, it's just that it has many weird things (such as work) in it. The vision I had is pretty much presenting you some ignorant animals, living in a bubble, outside time. What is time, when all days are the same? What is time, when the few moments of sadness, felt when you realize you're getting older, closer to death, are lost in alcohol?

I'm torn, really. Torn between the vision I had, which has humans in it...sort of...and the world we live in, that has humans in it. In a lot of confusion. I don't think I have a choice, though. I'm tired, it's too tiresome to keep the eye open. Living like a dog, with every day anew - sounds good. I know it's not going to be possible in the absolute (I mean, can't erase memories), but at least it's not going to have me think about things anymore. I had this flash on day when I realized that the only time that I *did* something was when I wasn't - when I was thinking. That's the only moment when you are you (Now we need a discussion about what is 'you'). All the actions you do...it's the veil of the material world. This is all very confusing, confusing to me, too.

I dont' know what's going to happen. I don't know what things I will learn to do, or for how long I'm going to be. These concepts of happiness, life, human beings...I kept thinking about them, and it's something normal, I find it to be so. But if there's something I wanna say to others, it's probably the idea that it's ok to close your inner eye to get your ignorant happiness. Weird...I never thought I'd give up my ascent. Life...wow...I have much more to write on this, but maybe it's enough. A little effort, but I said most of what I wanted to say. And, who knows, I may never get to write soemthing liek this, because I won't care. The torch is yours now.

ok, as for MD...MD as you know it is dead. the fact that I wrote what I wrote may prove me wrong, though...but the outer shell of MD is pretty good, still, you know :) it's fascinating

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