Uncle Bob's Help Column

[(Zl-eye-f)-nea]

For the rest of MD Birthday I will be running this help column.

 

I will randomly post questions about MD (you are also encouraged to submit questions for me to post via forum or in game PM)

 

Your job? To answer the question in the most ridiculous way possible. You can also refer to each others' posts, and get into ridiculous feuds should you choose to over ridiculous things, but you must write the response as if you have sent your response in letter form to a magazine help column after reading the answers published to date.

 

An example:

 

[spoiler]

 

Q: Why does wraiths wreck have no wraiths in it? - John Snow.

 

A1:

Mr Snow is misinformed. There are many wraiths in the wreck. I myself found a wraith there once, looking all sad and lonely. I offered him some toast and he was rather grateful. Maybe if Mr Snow paid more attention to what is going on around him and less attention to that throne he built out of sand on Golemus beach he'd find what he seeks. - Miq Troutlington

 

A2:

Well I haven't found any wraiths. I found a few dead bodies, but I blame Dst for that. - Pip the Potato handler

 

A3:

Ah my nemesis, Troulington, I should have known you would show up. I've been meaning to ask you for years what you did with that toast you stole from me. I was having a nice picnic with my girlfriend and in you come, slapping everyone with your trout, screaming about lost keys and ladies of the night. Little did I know it was just a petty distraction so you could thieve my toast and feed it to a wraith. I'm most displeased. - Burns Toast

 

[/spoiler]

 

I may interject with notes here and there from the editor. So, if you want to send 'the editor' any comments he should be remarking on...such as a ridiculous letter of complaint about one of the ridiculous posts...please send me a forum PM marked 'To the editor'.

 

There will be prizes, but what they are and how they will be assigned will be dependent on how involved you all get. For example, I may reward the best feud, or the most backward logic, or the best complaint....but it really depends on who writes what.

 

Z

 

 

 

Question 1

 

I got lost in Necrovion and don't know what to do, I can't leave my scene, has anyone got any advice?

- The Headless Horseman -

Edited April 20, 2015 by (Zl-eye-f)-nea

[Jubaris]

"Question 1

 

I got lost in Necrovion and don't know what to do, I can't leave my scene, has anyone got any advice?

- The Headless Horseman -"

 

Well mister headless horseman, there's someone thrown in a well, as well some as some people... hanging... around, and they've been trying to get out for quite a while, ask around and maybe you can use their valuable experience.

Besides, if you don't manage to, I hear all those that came out of Necrovion are mad - I understand it as a metaphor for describing just how cool that place is.

[MRWander]

I got lost in Necrovion and don't know what to do, I can't leave my scene, has anyone got any advice?

- The Headless Horseman -

 

A: Easy start a quest for someone to find your head then you can find your way out. or birbe grido to port you he'll do ANYTHING wink wink for money

[Sunfire]

First of all Mr horseman you should stay calm, whatever you do, do not lose your head
How to get out:
Contact your nearest LHO (lost head officer), they will start their investigation to retrieve your head
When they have done so they will contact the DS (delivery service) to bring back your precious good to you
However I disagree with my colleague, this place is absolutely not cool, the scenery might be vibrant but the locals are horrible.
Be wary not to contact these TW (tantrumaddicted women) they can make you lose your mind

Edited April 20, 2015 by Sunfire

[dst]

I got lost in Necrovion and don't know what to do, I can't leave my scene, has anyone got any advice?

- The Headless Horseman -

 

Whatever you do DO NOT go to Eternal Toilet! *whispers* Those cheap Necros don't have any toilet paper.

[Assira the Black]

I got lost in Necrovion and don't know what to do, I can't leave my scene, has anyone got any advice?
- The Headless Horseman-


Stay away from the Shade-y parts.

Edited April 20, 2015 by Assira the Black

[Miq]

I got lost in Necrovion and don't know what to do, I can't leave my scene, has anyone got any advice?
- The Headless Horseman -
 
Whatever you do DO NOT go to Eternal Toilet! *whispers* Those cheap Necros don't have any toilet paper.

Now now miss Daylight Saving Time, there most definitely is some toilet paper there. It's made from scalps, dum-dum.
As to the issue at hand i think the best course of action would be to lose your body also since lost thing will surely be found soon in a pool or a well.
- Master of Trouts -

[Sasha Lilias]

First of all, I'd tell you not to lose your head, but, well...from looks of it that's too late. HAHA! Get it? *coughs* Anyway...

 

Take no heed of the above, they're all very silly and obviously lack any skill in answering questions.

 

We all know the eternal toilet has plenty of paper! It's made from the finest, freshly pressed creatures, I'll have you know.

 

As for contacting the DS, everyone knows that they are't the "Delivery Service" they're the "Duty Solicitors". But yes, they could very well help you press charges against anyone for the loss of your head. We're very good at blaming everyone but ourselves ourselves you see. We have a very slight charge per word we speak but you absolutely, definitely, do not, not pay for if you do not not win. So it's all very fair!

 

I'd suggest you stay away from the shade-y people, not areas. They have a tendancy to attack you, you see. Although, again, we (the Duty Solicitors) could provide you with help to to sue them for all they've got, should this terrible incident happen to you.

 

As you can see, the fellows above have no idea what they're saying, so it's luck you found me! You could say I'm well "a-head" of the game! 

 

The answer is simple:

 

Take your nearest item to you and impale, break or asphyxiate your self. Then yell "Help! I want legal help for my injuries!". After that you'll receive your court dates and in a few weeks you'll be out of that land (and in court)! Easy as pie!

 

Best wishes,

 

Sasha Lilias

 

P.s. I've sent you the bill for my services with this letter.

Edited April 20, 2015 by Sasha Lilias

[Syrian]

first of all i would suggest paying more attention to your surroundings, its pretty clear from your question that you didnt look where you were going and you ended up lost and paniced. every scene comes with a trusty arrow pointing in the right direction, its quite easy to find if you dont lose your cool, remain calm, keep your head on your shoulders. failing this i would send a request to the TW, the Talented wanderers, they are the best at finding their way around and helping the lost find their way, for FREE, and without any risk of injury, unlike the DS which are "advising" you to hurt yourself so they can extort money from you, which quite frankly is typical of any legal service, do not fall into the same mistake that many before you have. 

 

keep your head up,

 

Syrian

[(Zl-eye-f)-nea]

Editors note:

We of Uncle Bob's would like to apologise to the headless horseman for the continued reference to the fact that he has lost his head. Though given Mur once put an axe through Metal Bunny's head, we feel perhaps he is better off that way anyway and should endure the mockery with good temper.

 

 

Question 2:

 

How can a door be fateless? Surely opening and closing is the fate of a door? - Dox Para

[MRWander]

How can a door be fateless? Surely opening and closing is the fate of a door? - Dox Para

 

i m sorry to hear your door has a gambling problem and has lost its fate maybe try joining gamblers annonymous the toll free hotline is found in the archives

[Assira the Black]

Question 2:

 

How can a door be fateless? Surely opening and closing is the fate of a door? - Dox Para

 

That is quite the paradox. Perhaps it is fateless because it does not exist as a door should. It is neither opened or closed. It is only as you wish it to be.

[I am Bored]

They are called the fateless doors, not because they themselves have no fate, but rather, because they erase the fate of those passing through, allowing their fate to be determined anew after passing through.

[Miq]

How can a door be fateless? Surely opening and closing is the fate of a door? - Dox Para

 

Aah, I remember when that happened. The doorknob was away to meet her parents and a handle showed up and honestly things went so fast that even before his friends could say a word, door was cheating the knob with the handle. Hence the fateless door.

 

- Master of Trouts -

[(Zl-eye-f)-nea]

Editor's note:

We at uncle Bob's would like to apologise to the doorknob for re-raising what no doubt must have been an emotionally fraught time, and also for bringing up the door's gambling habits, which we understand left it in ruin.

 

Question 3:

Why aren't Drachorns just called Dragons? - Mrs Pedlington of the 'possible creatures that may have existed but we aren't quite sure if everything wasn't just a lizard at one point society'

[Myth]

Dear Mrs Pedlington of the 'possible creatures that may have existed but we aren't quite sure if everything wasn't just a lizard at one point society,

 

I wish to inform you that Drachorns aren't called Dragons because the person who named them had an acute sneezing condition at the time of naming these majestic creatures. He masked it so well that everyone present loved the result.

Edited April 21, 2015 by Myth

[Jubaris]

@Mrs Pedlington:

Drac, from the Latin draco, is the word for dragon or devil in several languages, such as Catalan and Romanian.

Golemusians are fans of ambiguity. An addon of "horn" to "drac" just accents that devil-dragon ambiguity, double damage sort to speak.

They like to be on potential and go either side, depending of the circumstances.

[Miq]

Dear Mrs Pedlington of the PCTMHEBWAQSIEWJLOP society,

 

Drachorns are not Dragons. While dragons where indeed lizards, and by my account still are, you must understand that drachorns are descendants of tables. Now let me elaborate. 

 

Tables where horribly abused at laboratories and had a lot of... well stuff spilled on them. That at one point in the far far past caused a roomful of tables to gain motion. As you can understand much blood was spilled that day. 

Other sapients (alchemist, mages, witches, etc) did not take that lightly and attempted to kill the tables. Failing to storm the castle that the said room was within they decided to burn the entire thing. Oh how sorry they were.

You see all the chemicals and heat caused the lacquer and wood of the tables to mutate to what we know now as Drachorns.

After the newborn drachorns had murdered all they could find they slept and eons passed making them to forget the horrors. Ergo the present day.

 

- Master of Trouts - 

[I am Bored]

Q3:

 

Drachorns are called dragons, it just depends entirely where you look. Although the currently accepted term is Drachorn, you can find many places where they are referred to as Dragons, including the Adventure Log. Throughout the entirety of SmartAlekRJ's journey, they are referred to as Dragons. Some modern references to them as Dragons still exist, including in their mutated form.

[AmberRune]

Question 3:

Why aren't Drachorns just called Dragons? - Mrs Pedlington of the 'possible creatures that may have existed but we aren't quite sure if everything wasn't just a lizard at one point society'

 

Drachorns were supposed to be dragons but the person who was in charge of keeping track of history did so on a really old typewriter. They couldn't find the lowercase g key so they tried to make the shape with c and h. It would have worked if they had figured out how to flip the paper over before typing. They also accidentally hit the lowercase r  key since it looked like the n when chicken pecking really quickly and didn't want to strike out the whole word of their efforts. The person who first read the description didn't want to look like a fool so they just called them drachorns and everyone since has followed the trend.

 

Basically, they're the same but are called differently because of laziness, typos, and bandwagoning.

[MRWander]

Why aren't Drachorns just called Dragons? - Mrs Pedlington of the 'possible creatures that may have existed but we aren't quite sure if everything wasn't just a lizard at one point society'

 

Because they were tamped with as an egg so it'd be like calling a wolf a dog.close but not quite the same thing.

[(Zl-eye-f)-nea]

Editors Note:

We at Uncle Bob's have had some complaints from the association for the protection of tables, the association for miss-matched type-writer keys and the association of undue sneezing points, and would like to apologise for any offense caused.

 

Question 4:

My colleague Mrs Pedlington raises a fine question, therefore I ask why are they called aramours and not armors? - Mr Rubico from the 'Institute of old stuff we aren't sure wasn't just rubbish'

[Myth]

Dear Mr Rubico from the 'Institute of old stuff we aren't sure wasn't just rubbish',

 

Before having life blown into them, these were indeed armors - high quality craftsmenship. They would have been called Armors, if the creators wouldn't have enjoyed doing more than one thing at a time. As it goes, one of the creators was testing the suit. As he was asked what name their work would bear, he took quite a blow to the face, where the suit provides less protection. Because of this, his reply sounded something like: "Ar-A-mor". Suffice it to say that the power of rumour did the rest.

 

Best wishes,

Asthir.

[Kaya]

Best Mr Rubico from the 'Institute of old stuff we aren't sure wasn't just rubbish',

 

The answer to your question is actually quite simple. For a baby Aramour to be born it requires two armors to be deeply in love with each other. Now coincidentally 'Love' in the language of love, French, happens to be 'amour'. As such a living Aramour, born from the love of two normal armors is called an Ar-amour. I hope this helped clear up your confusion.

 

Best regards,

Samon

[Assira the Black]

In this Mr. Rubico, your question is just rubbish. It is just a simple spelling difference.

 

-Assira the Black