I'm Starting a Novell /Any Help appreciated!

[ignnus]

Chapter 1 - Fatso

Spoiler

"I must act very impressive" thought the bulky woman, if I act carefully enough, and do what i know best i will be a winner. Just need to keep my head down and my chin up, i can enslave everyone slowly then get on a diet or something, maybe surgery. No need to think about the negative, and the seeming reality going the way i do not want, to be honest i'm shocked, she thought. I am hitting as hard as i can yet there is no effect from my slaves, the fools who do not know the tricks i know, and they do not worship me or benefit me always so i don't know what to do. I keep praying, screaming inside, and do all sorts of maniacal things, why am i not the ruler? Instead i keep getting downed time after time. She signaled public vehicle thinking, if i sit down and keep my head down i can think of a smt with my years of long deserved accumulated power. I feel like i'm going to fail as if i'm a fool. No,i am super powerful and no one can beat me. Except I always lose all the time. Well I eat a lot and do nothing useful but that's it, i can steal from everyone if i act mean enough. I'm a leftist ofc so it's my right. I'm a member of greenpeace,  Humanitywatch and i like Asians even with their eyes of demons. I'm a modern collected sophisticated good hearted proper citizen y'know. I must attack towards those who are evil at the right time, hey if i get a scraps of meat, mind you that's not really what i want, i can munch on it once in a while like a dog i guess. You know cause i work hard and i'm tired(all the time). Now off to the healthy routine, be bold, smile and never forget the world is a bowl of rice, until i arrive then its my veggie dinner that i purify. Ye hedonist grunts. Lets see my modern faith change you,  properly" she curtsied in a tone punishingly proper towards the villagers.

 

Thanks for reading. Any feedback is appreciated as always.

[Ailith]

I hope you don't mind me being blunt, but it reads like you've been dumped by an overweight woman and are very bitter over it.

Perhaps take a step back and be a little more objective towards the protagonist? (Just a suggestion)

[Lazarus]

It would help giving her some background story as to why she thinks this way, perhaps a degree in gender studies or men with snouts surrounding her would suffice.

[MaGoHi]

i am confused on the situation, it would probably help to introduce the MC beforehand and maybe the situation, unless it was your intention to throw the reader into that without it.

also it seems contradicting itself a little? or is it just me?

[Ungod]

I think you have a character there. Needs slightly more work.

Do you plan on writing a bunch of such characters and then make interact? if so, it might be interesting.

[ignnus]

On 3/4/2019 at 12:39 AM, Josephine said:

I hope you don't mind me being blunt, but it reads like you've been dumped by an overweight woman and are very bitter over it.

Perhaps take a step back and be a little more objective towards the protagonist? (Just a suggestion)

Well, its an exaggeration no doubt. Most art is kind of like that otherwise its just plain copying.  I really like Nabokov for example but as a writer being superbly talented aside he is too honest for me..

For this woman I'm thinking someone like "Howard's mother" from BBT. Once you know that kind of person, you can never forget it. And you can never explain it. I'm bitter yes but i want to explain the unexplainable, her thought process.  You might also have noticed i have a massive grudge for the left field. ehm.. that's not the issue here.

You are right about one thing i'm bitter, that's not critical or even important for me here. Also if i take a look an objective view like you said, it wouldn't be it funny, it would turn out she was right about her actions. But who cares? I don't.

[ignnus]

On 3/4/2019 at 6:26 PM, MaGoHi said:

i am confused on the situation, it would probably help to introduce the MC beforehand and maybe the situation, unless it was your intention to throw the reader into that without it.

also it seems contradicting itself a little? or is it just me?

I'm confused as well. I just wrote this for the laughs tbh, you might have noticed grammar mistakes, punctuation errors etc.. This just means i'm super impatient about this character and story. I always wanted to create a super romantic, epic artpiece. Yet real life is often not what one hopes for. I'd almost always want to "show rather than tell" the rest is details. I don't mean to confuse people with super epic, difficult to follow writing style or switching characters after every chapter. I hate those kind of styles.

It definitely does. Yet it doesn't. I don't know, i try to get a handle on bs, with me its not easy at best.

[ignnus]

Chapter 2 - un named

Spoiler

 

Her thoughts raced with the efficiency of thousand cookies salvaged from one batch of flour. The reality saved everyone again, like the not so bright aristocrat who practiced his fantasy karate 1000 times; she decided to go somewhere. These wheat and that sun, not only they were beautiful, they were all to be processed for existing. She noticed some midgets talking yet gave no indication that she could hear anything they are saying. 

kid 1- Is it what? 
kid 2- A whale? Or it's a bear i'm not sure.
kid 1- Well, it didn't sound like those animals, like a human sound, kind of a moaning, kinda shouting.
kid 2- Who is she shouting at?
kid 1- And what is she saying?
kid 2- I'm getting a bad feeling for some reason.
kid 1- Its some kind of force field aura. Too late, we lost.
kid 2- Wait what did we lose?
kid 1- You idiot, you shan't know that. Its the modern life.

 

(This is not complete. I couldn't resist to wait until Sunday when i'd planned)

Thanks for the comments.

Edited March 6, 2019 by ignnus

[ignnus]

On 3/4/2019 at 7:28 PM, Ungod said:

I think you have a character there. Needs slightly more work.

Do you plan on writing a bunch of such characters and then make interact? if so, it might be interesting.

Thank you for saying so. I'd just think a good line from time to time or a setting, and i'm not good with dialogues. It's very difficult for me to write normal stuff, not only its boring, i'm bad at it. I'd just think a quote i like (religion is like woman you can never find the depth of either) then let the feeling guide me. Mind that its not the woman here it could as well be the man, i just like the intensity of the person saying it and what caused him to say this.

Possibly, maybe. Like i said, If i write normal characters or stuff, i have to normalize them, which is ehm... boring. I realize certain kind of effort must go into a story, and saying stuff like "its boring" is anathema to some in the art society, yet i write this for myself, so i can laugh and feel good when i read. And others if they do so all the better.

[ignnus]

On 3/4/2019 at 2:39 AM, Imperius said:

It would help giving her some background story as to why she thinks this way, perhaps a degree in gender studies or men with snouts surrounding her would suffice.

I like this answer, noted the degree, very interesting actually i was thinking she was a retired teacher. LOL.  A warning, this novel can't be cool like your art bro. I simply can't draw ever since elementary school no reason to think otherwise for any other. I always like the color orange for some reason though.

[Lazarus]

I can't take credit for the fact that I draw well because I didn't choose the talent when I was born, but thank you, although I see every forms of art as 'cool' even if they're not up to anyone's standards. I think what you wrote is cool and humorous, it's clever that you've managed to have people see past what you just did, and I'm still undecided if you're actually serious about this lol.

1 hour ago, ignnus said:

I always like the color orange for some reason though.

I hate that Mur has this effect on people.

[ignnus]

1 hour ago, Imperius said:

I can't take credit for the fact that I draw well because I didn't choose the talent when I was born, but thank you, although I see every forms of art as 'cool' even if they're not up to anyone's standards. I think what you wrote is cool and humorous, it's clever that you've managed to have people see past what you just did, and I'm still undecided if you're actually serious about this lol.

I hate that Mur has this effect on people.

If only it was Mur, i used to paint entire white paper orange with those pastels then carve it with a knife for the art hours. I was fan of Netherlands for 10 years, cause they used orange on their flag. Still didn't recover from their loss at World Cup to Spain.

[ignnus]

2 hours ago, Imperius said:

I'm still undecided if you're actually serious about this

Yeah, kinda. These kind of stuff is not very unique. Shows like Orville or American Dad does the same thing very well. If it can turn out to be more unique than that i'll be happy.

[Lazarus]

That makes more sense. Speaking of uniqueness and feminism (as per this topic's tag), I know of a book where you can get moral values from to add to your repertoire of feminismy allure for your novel. This book is the epitome of moral integrity when it comes to this subject, even the author made hid her real name so as not to be bombarded by people of how good of a human being she is:

Edited March 6, 2019 by Imperius
Typos

[ignnus]

 Seems to be an extremely short book. 50 pages? All the better. Got the PDF *cough*,  i'll have a look.   ???? Thanks for the suggestion.

 

Edit: Forgot to add, i have no problem with feminism not really, it was irresponsible for me to add the tag. I'm on the side of woman for whatever the issue is. I just didn't want to add more serious/political tags.

Edited March 6, 2019 by ignnus

[Ungod]

7 hours ago, ignnus said:

 I'd just think a quote i like (religion is like woman you can never find the depth of either) then let the feeling guide me.

That can work, but it gets very messy afterwards. Raw emotion can be entertaining, as long as there is a steel thread of logic.

Anyway, good luck with 'normalization' (with writing, just like with everything, the more you do it, the better it gets...or so we hope)

[ignnus]

8 hours ago, Ungod said:

That can work, but it gets very messy afterwards. Raw emotion can be entertaining, as long as there is a steel thread of logic.

We have this massive library at where i live, every once in a while I go in, sniff a book out then read a few paragraphs, mostly i'm disappointed, but sometimes there is a book and it grabs my attention, usually the poem books/ analysis or the super technical neurobiology/social studies etc.. anything interesting. Sometimes for me author gets it right while he is not looking. This kind of scavenging is sad and funny at the same time but its the only kind of reading i (can) do. What you said about logic, you may have a point there, but i don't think that's very important. I'd rather see a super symmetrical plot narrated in ridiculous ravings than a solid logic. Though if its steel solid not only its a style hard to achieve that's also kind of interesting on its own. (not technical ofc).

[ignnus]

Chapter 3

Spoiler

 

Poower for Poor ew

Everyone was on their trenches. Everything was normal. Meanwhile somewhere the fire and flame rose up from the slumber in the same manner, half asleep. It forget the words of an anthem for a fight. The sneer attacked an enraged polyphonic voice. 

Frosty the snow village was as chaotic as ever. The winter never really a different season, and the air cold, the two districts of the town was the market and the outer regions with dwellings. She was walking through the forest to see her friends in the village. The journey didn't require transportation while a little walking was necessary, and she was afraid of the tigers who had occasionally ventured near  town to hunt. Like the kid who was called out by the school bully, she fearfully thought to run, then she stopped. What was this? An expert of arts and humanities was afraid of the barbarians? The civilization was more important than the savagery. Some distant animal croaked while the trees swayed, dropping the snow. She and the world, circled each other around, like they were unable to mix, so both flew in orbits, giving everyone else nausea in the meantime. After a while, she saw a dark red color mixing with the earth. When she looked further, she saw someone lying on the ground, possible mauled by an animal. The blood formed to a puddle near the man who seemed to be yet alive. She turned her head, walked past toward the village. After some time, there was spring in her step, the fear defeated. Everything made sense now, she thought about how much fun she would have when she chatted with her friends later on. There was no doubt now, she hastily but boldly..

 

I was hoping for a lot more content, maybe next week..

[ignnus]

Here's a bit of extra, i planned this tidbit for today, yet somehow forget.

Encounter with a mayor.

Spoiler

No one in the entire world could own anything, sayeth the cult. Since she was rightful it only followed that she was responsible for the security of the town. So when she saw the market guards, she frowned. That was the state and the town being wrongfully aggressive. So when from the stalls the village chef waved at her, she stumbled momentarily. The sun was radiant like her smile which shone upon all. She threw herself at the mayor, "maaeeeeeeyyyyy loooooooorrrrrrrrrrrddddddddddddd". The worship was on her face, this was a creature that was higher than her in the system. So when she encountered such an entity, the fight or flight instinct took over. She was always fight, she immediately abandoned the world to look upon her rightful majesty. What she couldn't kick to death she would respect.

 

[Ungod]

See, this is what I mean about a thread (if you don't want it to be a steel thread of logic, think of another): a story that goes all over the place is hard to follow and people just give up. 

Writing can't be only fun, you have to work as well...sad, but true.

[ignnus]

Chapter 2- Unnamed   (Edited some and some additions)

Spoiler

 

Her thoughts raced with the efficiency of thousand cookies salvaged from one batch of flour.  The reality saved everyone again, like the not so bright aristocrat who practiced his fantasy karate a thousand times; she decided to go somewhere. These wheat fields and that sun, not only they were beautiful, they were all to be processed for existing. 

kid 1: .....Is it what? 
kid 2:  A whale? Or it's a bear i'm not sure.
kid 1:  Didn't sound like those animals, it was more of a human sound, kind of a moaning, kinda shouting.
kid 2- Who is she shouting at?
kid 1- And what is she saying?
kid 2- I'm getting a bad feeling for some reason.
kid 1- Its some kind of force field aura. Too late, we lost.
kid 2- Wait what did we lose?
kid 1- You idiot, you shan't know that.                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Angry Woman:  Hey you two punks. Get out of here!, you munchkin rollers. Don't let me beat you like a smashed potato.

The children sobbed and threw insults at the same time running away. Alright! She was on a roll now, she looked at the sky. Thankfully it wasn't the time for rain. Both of them acted like the other didn't exist. That was fine.

 

 

Edited March 10, 2019 by ignnus

[ignnus]

2 minutes ago, Ungod said:

See, this is what I mean about a thread (if you don't want it to be a steel thread of logic, think of another): a story that goes all over the place is hard to follow and people just give up. 

Writing can't be only fun, you have to work as well...sad, but true.

You are right, i assume you are mostly talking about the super serious tone and the weird reactionary sections being totally different.  I will delete every modern terminology here after i finished and replace those as best as i could . I dislike those a lot myself. Other than that i'm not totally disappointed. Plot needs a bit work though. This story won't take place during modern times if and where i can manage, switching to medieval stuff is way more interesting. Factions, and a realistic world, i like those.  Hmmm, Its not so difficult to make up some plot, though that's really doesn't seem like something absolutely necessary at this time. To me at least. I don't know...

[Ungod]

4 hours ago, ignnus said:

Other than that i'm not totally disappointed. Plot needs a bit work though.

well, you don't have to be disappointed, because it's a start. some may say it's a bad start, i'd say it's okay, but it's only the start.

the way I see it, I divide books in two big piles: fun (entertainment) and how-to (manuals). There are fun books which last for centuries , because they also contain advice to heed; there are manuals that teach things in a fun way, so you can mix if you so feel.

but when you decide to write, you basically choose from those two, and if it's entertainment, you HAVE to entertain. That's your purpose, and your readers have to be entertained. If it's not entertaining, or it is close to being entertaining, it means you have to work more.

i'm sorry I write on your post so much instead of actual writers (md players) - they could point out more and give better advice...

[Bashaw Steel]

Congratulations, Ignnus! May written word bring to you what others could not:)

I read the first part so here goes..

Avoid "ifs" in character introduction. It makes them look weak not by nature but by design, its better to start with more clear insight to their 
capabilities.

It is smart to describe the inner workings of the character first and then get to their agendas, ambition, goals etc.. So reader can follow and justify their action
which always has to be aligned with their inner self. Every "why" has to has an answer sooner rather than later.

Avoid creating a protagonist that is of opposite gender of your own Seriously, its far harder that people think.
For some reason female writers are far better in such things than man, to be perfectly objective:)

Most importantly, keep on writing and learn from mistakes. It`s a fascinating journey, Ignnus, never get tired of walking;)

[ignnus]

Chapter 4- The vaults of Hivan

Spoiler

 

The paths of the town were more of maze, than a ruins of a market. After some time nothing remains. Perhaps except the madness. Humans are the same the insects who hangs on a wooden fence. Perhaps this strange place was once a lab to study elements. Some centuries later even the once scorching lava cooled and transformed to earth formations, changing the streets as-it-is further. This paths are not like the usual roads of a town, you usually can't go from one place to every other place. The breathing the air isn't difficult, even at its worst imagine breathing a tomb at night than a rotten cave. 

Most of the vault area is not dangerous to adventurers, the problem is after a while nothing can be distinguished from each other, the thousand halls would remind one of the same other thousand times, this-is-intentional. There is no way to find your way in the town. That is not to say there wouldn't be some kind of riches to cover the costs, the forays to forests usually fails. There are some ore closer to the ground i'm sure the nobles will sniff it out to harvest those.
A warning if you want to go down to catacombs:  To spend hundreds of [money] to travel here to read a line of wisdom like, "i hate my descendants, they are dumber than rocks" would be truly awful and not worth the time. There are even some rooms with the same words written again and again.  You can sense the anger at this place if you'd listen. Perhaps this was alla puzzle. She thought joyfully. Time feels different here too. It was all strange to her.

 

Urgh, World Building I guess.