"I didn't remember, until I dreamt of my death by a heart attack.
As darkness took away everything,
all that was left was my consciousness.
And a memory of a child wanting to break free.
One day, during my childhood,
I was at school, during the break,
sitting in the yard, thinking.
In my train of thought, I starting noticing things.
I noticed I was thinking,
I noticed I have been doing that during the whole break.
I noticed that most of my free time was spent thinking.
I noticed that there was a blurry line between "me",
whoever that was,
and my mind and it's thoughts.
I noticed I could be aware of what I was thinking,
but also that I could think without being aware of it, until I was.
I noticed that there was a blurry line between "me",
whoever that was,
and my body and it's senses.
I noticed I could be aware of what I was sensing,
but also that I could sense without being aware of it, until I was.
I noticed that awareness, and asked myself if I was that awareness.
I noticed I had a body, but I was not the body, as it contained me
I noticed I had a mind, but I was not the mind, as it contained me.
I thought that the only way to know what I was,
was by emancipating myself from both my mind and body.
And, being the child I was, I didn't have very clever ideas, did I?
Suddenly I felt claustrophobic.
I was a thing, there was a "me", but I couldn't know what "me" meant,
since it was drown in the information I received from my surroundings and from my own thoughts.
I felt the urge to understand what I was.
And, being the child I was, I didn't have very clever ideas, did I?
So I looked for a wall, and starting hitting my head against it.
As strong as I could.
If I could break my body, I could break my mind, and I could isolate that "me" from the rest,
And then understand it, right?
Blood started dripping, and I was still hitting my head against the wall.
As strong as I could.
I noticed I could only think and feel less and less.
And it was glorious.
So, being the kid I was,
I wanted to hit my head harder,
and in one final blow against the wall,
darkness took my body and my mind.
The last thing I felt, was the shift of gravity as I fell to the floor.
Finally, I was free from them.
I could think of nothing,
I could feel nothing.
But I was still there.
There was still a "me",
and nothing else.
I noticed that "me" meant nothing.
I was aware of my self,
but there was nothing else, only a hollow consciousness.
I spent an eternity with immaculate awareness, being aware that I was aware of my self,
but with nothing else to be aware of."
Have you ever tried meditating?
I found it's a good way to get rid of both thoughts and senses.
Second entry:
If clarity is sought after, the senses become a burden: images are seen in the dark, the body makes itself heard in the silence.
If reflection is sought after, it's easy to get lost in the depths of the mind or to drown in the river of thoughts.
Something stops feeling genuine, and it seems hard to know what that is.
Through the void the self is killed and found anew. No senses. No thoughts. Only consciousness.