Confessions

[DARK DEMON]

The following is a VERY long, personal and emotional post. I knew I had to end up making it sooner or later. I know that many of you will not change a single thought, and will misinterpret it, and will make a mess of it. This is for the few people that don't do all that.

 

 

 

I’ll start by saying that if I didn’t have faults, I wouldn’t be in the position I am right now. Some of you see more faults than there are, some see less, some are vocal about specific ones and make them a bigger issue than they are, and some you don’t even notice.

 

Throughout my time in MD, there have been two…. “phases” I’ve experienced. Sometimes they run separately, but sometimes they overlap. When they overlap, they either result in a lot of anger, or a brief period away from MD. What are these two phases?

 

The first is one in which I try really hard to fit into MD, tried to play “the good guy”, tried to do community stuff, and listened to way too many people. This was usually the time when I didn’t know my way around stuff. What did this cause? It caused “lack of self-respect” in me, “no guts”, “lack of sticking to one thing and constantly switching from one thing to another”, and a definite sense of “you can’t do anything in MD without help from XXX”. And of course, I ended up not pleasing anyone since people expect too much, and then all this was further multiplied by humiliation.

 

The second is when I did my own thing. This happened usually because of failure of the first phase, and hence mostly resulted in overlapping. I did just what I wanted to do, and it undoubtedly caused hatred against me because people are just too used to the old ways. They complain about and ask for change but don’t want to see it at all. What did this cause? It caused “wrong initiative”, “stupidity”, “lack of judgment” (what, to choose my own path? Should I start saying everyone’s judgments and interests are wrong because they don’t match mine?).

 

 

 

Then I’ve been asked what my motivations are. Why do I do this, why I act like this, and why don’t I just submit and become as the elite vets say "the proper MD ways"?

 

Since almost day one in MD, I’ve seen a horrible system in which a few people have the power to do anything and drive anything in MD the way they like if they choose. They can make life hell for someone they don't like, and they can ensure (or the famous word: approve) a person they like becomes very "successful" (I don't like to use this word since I believe everyone in MD is successful at some thing or the other).

 

Yes, I threw myself at the dirt and got myself ground on the floor and spat upon, because I will never be one to submit to this, that's just not me. I will never accept these "MD ways", because every way a person can forge in MD is an "MD way". 

 

What played a part in urging me on? Well it was the constant hate itself. I realized many things, some of which may be entirely wrong, but they are still things I believe in. What are these things?

 

First came the mere acceptance of the fact that whatever I did, I would always have people hating me for it.

 

Second came the hypocrisy of the people who accused others as hypocrites, just to hide their own. They convinced me that we lack judging skills and what not, and then we see them judge people based on their backgrounds, lands, and false assumptions. They say we don't know how to do anything right, and then we see them constantly becoming and being displayed as a bad example, someone not to follow.

 

And last of course, what hurt me most... that nobody tried to ignore my faults. You think I don't know that public speaking and community talk and "good explanations" is something I'm very bad at? And then you further rub it in my face by constantly twisting meanings. Everybody who judged me deliberately by the worst meanings, and not by my intentions, was shunned by me.

 

And then you force me to do community stuff, rather than letting me do it on my own without pressure, etc. Why? So that you have more ways to get at me. "I absolutely need community approval for this sort of thing." Oh really? Well maybe if you actually let me try, I might have had a small chance.

___________________________________________________

 

I'll stop here and move on to specifically Curi's post.

 

Know that I have nothing to do with vengeance and I hate every moment of this bickering. My intention was always to prove a point, which I'm sure is pretty clear. I would have reported anyone, not just dst and Eon. The fact that they actually were dst and Eon made no difference to my desire to end this pathetically horrible system I was talking about. Its something I'd been observing for a very long time and I finally got a chance to report it now (because earlier I was told that why do I care about something that's not my business).

___________________________________________________

 

Now comes Chew. The guy did more than anyone else has done for me, though he doesn't know the guilt I feel of being unable to repay him, or even convey how important he is to me. Yes, I told him not to speak to me for a while, and I still want that to continue, because things were getting very hurtful for both of us. If it makes him feel any better, I would have left MD long ago without him.

____________________________________________________

 

This is all I can speak for now. There's a lot more, but I just realized how long this is... so yeah... that's it. 

[No one]

This post is just to tell you why I gave you a "-1"

 

“you can’t do anything in MD without help from XXX"

 

And last of course, what hurt me most... that nobody tried to ignore my faults.

 

Everybody who judged me deliberately by the worst meanings, and not by my intentions, was shunned by me.

 

 

I should feel hurt to see that whenever I try to help you, you ignore it / don't read it and then you neg rep me. But hey, it seems that I am insensitive.

 

----------------------

Second came the hypocrisy of the people who accused others as hypocrites, just to hide their own.

And I don't feel one of these guys (that hide their own) , so ... if I am one of them , please tell me why do you consider this of me.

[Prince Marvolo]

Allow me to give you a piece of advice:

 

You seem dissapointed in others, because of the way they react to what you do.

But there is only 1 thing you can control: yourself.

 

Other people, are other people. They will do things you don't like,

they will misinterpret, or they won't like you, maybe they love you, whatever!

 

But maybe the art in dealing with others - kind of a big thing in this game - is

knowing what the consequences are of your actions.

 

You can do whatever you want, whatever you can, or like. But you will be paid back by consequences.

Consequences are mostly controlled by others: their reactions, their actions, etc.

You can not control the consequence, you can only change YOUR action to try and get another desired consequence.

If you are in contact with others for a while - as you are in this game for a while - you start to be able to read those other people. 

You can start to guess what their actions will be as reaction to yours (= consequences)

It's an art to be able to read others, and act accordingly to get the desired consequence.

 

Look at it like chess: If you put your king in the middle of the board, he will take advantage of it. And you can't blame him.

It's the art of moving pieces around to get the result you want.

 

You can blame others all you want (And I don't mean to say you do, but dissapointment in others is the same kind of thing)

But the only thing you are in power of, is YOUR actions. 

 

[Chewett]

You want to fix others, Work out why they react to you?

 

Work out why the one person you claimed meant you stayed in the game, aka me, now has no will to help you in any form. Becuase the only person that is responsible for that is you.

[Ary Endleg]

Funny thing is.... I disagree with what people say on this matter, and I disagree by many miles, it's my opinion and it will probably sound quite shocking.

 

I actually think that by doing things others told you so far, you will change personality of your character, you will be totally different DD. If I may say this is a bad thing for DD but good for you, thing is that I personally don't see difference between the two and that is what I think gives you problems. In my opinion you take things personally.

 

In my opinion dst is your GENUINE RP enemy. I mean she will take any chance she gets to get at you because she doesn't like DD, she doesn't agree with him and she had hostile interactions with him for so long that it melded into personal level for both of you and that is the problem which kept spreading. I can clearly see you are on her enemy list both on "RP" level and personal one, but she is only on your personal one. If you considered her as RP enemy then you would have acted accordingly, but you never had offense or defense against her on game level, only on personal one.

 

Just think of it, your relationships are genuinely hostile, but they spilled over into personal level, if they've not, then just imagine the kind of drama you could have caused ingame RP-wise instead of forum-wise. I dare to say that such thing would write it's own AL.

 

I find it so funny when I hear people talking how they want wars and such, but when things like this happen it makes me wonder. It would all feel fake, those wars wouldn't have any reason or spark or passion because they would be done just because while the defenders would mainly cry because it's not fair, as if they want war but only when they are ready and they can control it. It's sad really, because obviously people can't even handle their personal RP enemies. Simply to put it, if somebody dislikes your actions or dislikes you because you are from X land, learn to handle it! Fight back! Don't drag it on to personal level! If you do, you are screwed. But unfortunately it seems for me that in MD only acceptable enemy is the fake one that is staged with careful planning with your close friend who acts as one.

 

All that makes whole RP experience boring and unnatural. You (all of MD) need to realize something, Quests are extension of your character, if they are not then they are just "quests", contests.

 

Fact is, you DD got enemies yet you don't do anything on that matter, first you need to realize that.

Secondly you need to know them, anticipate their moves, what they might do. You need to be always step in front of them.

Winner wins first then goes to battle, loser goes to battle first then seeks to win but encounters defeat.

 

All those things that happened recently are as if MD is all cupcakes and sunshine. MD is RP-sandbox multiplayer game, not a fairy tale. There are people who like to play antagonist characters, you just can't complain if they set their eyes on you and try to ruin your quests, events or what ever you are working on, that's genuine RP. Your quest is a real one, extension of your character, at it's core it those traits and all quests should have such background in first place. But you need to understand that such things carry with it their antagonists who will work against you. Problem is you don't realize that or don't want that, but you got that. While they have every right to play evil because you are doing real quest, you aren't holding a community event like xmas event.

[Curiose]

On phone, will be brief.  

 

Read what these people are saying.  Read and understand (not read and move on) what I wrote to you.  

 

These people (marv and chew) are giving you the things that you need to work on before you can proper move on.  

 

They aren't bashing you.  They aren't being overly critical, either.  You seriously need an attitude adjustment, because right now, you're borderline lost cause (for me at least).  This isn't intended as an insult, but some growing up is in order. 

[Syrian]

the fact is that peoples reactions to you are a direct consequence of how you treat people, you are incredibly rude and hostile to many people, you do not communicate your words well, even when you have the best of intent(this is important). you blame people for misunderstanding your intent when the underlying flaw with that interaction lies with your inability to communicate your intent in a well worded manner. this is a problem with how you communicate, you just hide behind the excuse that its the communitys fault because they interpret you wrong, you look at it backwards, which is evident by the fact that you have alienated and pushed away many people in MD, if EVERYONE has a problem with something about you, thin its a problem with you, and if you refuse to change this (its your right after all) then you cannot get angry when people respond to you negatively, people have told you many many times what is wrong with the way you act with people, why they dont like it, and you continue to do it, and instead of reflecting on this issue you attack them, and push them away more.

[Azthor]

DD, you have been quite polite with me thus far. Read this with time to spare.

 

Are you at fault alone? I quite doubt it, that things have gone this far speaks much of the social ineptitude of most of the involved.

 

But you are to blame for their reaction, nevertheless.

 

Is that statement unfair? Maybe so, but the all-embracing, tolerant society you are looking for doesn't exist. Not here, not anywhere. And you would not, yourself, be a member of said society.

 

Individuals have their limitations. Sooner or later one will offend another. And then you are left the choice of taking it in a stride and or swearing bloody murder.

 

You can be good company, but you don't react well to stress. When someone offends you, you will swear bloody murder at every chance.

 

But it is a bit of a vicious circle, you see?

 

You have been offended before, and your reaction inspired public dislike. With that, other parties start to see you in a negative light, and soon enough you are dealing with a large amount of offensive remarks whom your only reply to is to draw yet more negative attention.

 

I am not asking you to control your own reactions because you are solely responsible for this entire ordeal. To be frank, many got involved in those discussions because they find some form of entertainment in participating from a position where their own emotional integrity isn't at stake.

 

I am asking you to control yourself because you cannot expect of society to embrace you as you are, with no restraints. None of us can.

 

dst, herself, got a lot of flak (unusually so, that is) some years ago, and I, at least, perceive her public dealings to have changed somewhat as a consequence thereof.

 

I like to believe she can guess at what specific timeline I refer to, though it is unlikely to be a consequence of that event alone, and she is free to deny that, as it is a somewhat superficial impression.

 

And don't tell me those individuals criticizing could never have been your friends in the first place. I am sure you recognize you recognize the relevance of first impressions.

 

Point in case, speaking of "ignoring your flaws" (and you should ask for respect, not ignorance): many of us who had remained silent as you announced your intentions with the Labyrinth did so as to grant you the benefit of doubt. What is that but to respect your flaws, even as we had reason to be skeptical?

 

Pointing at the flaws of others won't help you live better with them, and most of them aren't about to leave. Or rather, one should understand that to change others one must be at least somewhat respected by them. And that requires first changing oneself.

 

Changing yourself is nor good nor bad, in and of itself, but the kind of public attention you receive, and the way you cope with it, are certainly an ill-begotten combination.

 

You've personally never wronged me. If you'd strive to act as such with others, that is a step in the right direction, if not more so. Most of all, understand that, often, there is more self-respect in restraining yourself, tactfully in your own favor, than to react rashly at any would be opposition.

Edited November 6, 2014 by Azthor

[dst]

@Azthor: to be honest I don't know exactly at what you're referring. I am an old player. I have done so many things that I cannot remember them all.

 

I have always have been involved in scandals and flames and wars. The only difference is that in time I learned to be patient and not to post stuff while I am angry (it doesn't work in 100% of the cases but I am pretty pleased with what I have achieved so far).

 

Also there is something else: there are people in MD which opinions and friendship I highly value and I don't like to disappoint them or even to lose them.

Edited November 6, 2014 by dst

[powle]

You might be right Syrian, but things are not allways so easy. Just beacause someone is nice to everbody doesn't mean that others Will be nice to him. I can find you hundreds of examples for that both in MD and in RL. History is full of people that never did anything to harm anyone - even more - they actually try to help others and improve various things but they were still hated. and not just by one or two persons but by hundreds or even thousands of people and most of them didn't die of natural causes (if you know what i mean). A perfect example is a kid being bullied in school. In almost all cases the kid never did anything to deserve being mistreated but he still gets harrassed daily. We can only wish that such things didn't ever happen in MD but they do and there isn't really much any one person can do about it. It might be hard to understand if you were never a victim of harrasment, but when you have been mistreated by too many people for too long it gets increasingly hard to tell friend from foe. To see who is genuinely trying to help you and who is just trying to help you fall into a pit so they can laugh at you more. When everbody hates you (or even if it just seems like they do) it is extremly hard to give them back love (yes even to that one person among all the haters that actually likes you). I'm not saying that DD is being harrassed but from reading his post i get the feeling that this is how he percieves the situation (and one's perception of reality can be quite warped when in a highly emotional state). My guess is DD had some bad experiences in RL that made him react to other people in the way that he does (like a subconscious self defence mechanism that is meant to protect him from suffering emotional injuries - you get hurt the most when you are betrayed by those you are attached to so you try to prevent yourself from getting attached to others - needless to say this kind of a deffence mechanism doesn't usualy pay off in the long run).

For the finish: Dark Demon if you ever need somebody to talk to or you want any help do not hesistate to contact me. I know what it is like to feel hated and unaccepted so I Will allways do my best to help anyone that feels that way (this includes Mur since he said that he gets that feeling often when trying to bring changes to MD).

[DARK DEMON]

You might be right Syrian, but things are not allways so easy. Just beacause someone is nice to everbody doesn't mean that others Will be nice to him. I can find you hundreds of examples for that both in MD and in RL. History is full of people that never did anything to harm anyone - even more - they actually try to help others and improve various things but they were still hated. and not just by one or two persons but by hundreds or even thousands of people and most of them didn't die of natural causes (if you know what i mean). A perfect example is a kid being bullied in school. In almost all cases the kid never did anything to deserve being mistreated but he still gets harrassed daily. We can only wish that such things didn't ever happen in MD but they do and there isn't really much any one person can do about it. It might be hard to understand if you were never a victim of harrasment, but when you have been mistreated by too many people for too long it gets increasingly hard to tell friend from foe. To see who is genuinely trying to help you and who is just trying to help you fall into a pit so they can laugh at you more. When everbody hates you (or even if it just seems like they do) it is extremly hard to give them back love (yes even to that one person among all the haters that actually likes you). I'm not saying that DD is being harrassed but from reading his post i get the feeling that this is how he percieves the situation (and one's perception of reality can be quite warped when in a highly emotional state). My guess is DD had some bad experiences in RL that made him react to other people in the way that he does (like a subconscious self defence mechanism that is meant to protect him from suffering emotional injuries - you get hurt the most when you are betrayed by those you are attached to so you try to prevent yourself from getting attached to others - needless to say this kind of a deffence mechanism doesn't usualy pay off in the long run).

For the finish: Dark Demon if you ever need somebody to talk to or you want any help do not hesistate to contact me. I know what it is like to feel hated and unaccepted so I Will allways do my best to help anyone that feels that way (this includes Mur since he said that he gets that feeling often when trying to bring changes to MD).

 

This.

 

Though I must say, there's absolutely nothing related to RL. I'm actually quite the extrovert in RL. Its just past MD experiences (major humiliation and harassment) instead of RL, but apart from that, you're dead accurate, every single word.

 

I thank everyone for devoting their time and help me through all this, and I'll accept it gratefully (even dst's post here is incredibly helpful). I cannot "please" everyone, but I can try my best to see and make the best possible change I can.

Edited November 6, 2014 by DARK DEMON

[Azthor]

@dst: make that half a decade ago, rather than a few years ago. It is my view, at least, that you seem have gradually polished your stance into a more socially acceptable form from that point onward.

 

It could, in a sense, be exactly what you speak of - it is a matter of personal restraint, after all. I'd say you are more agreeable now than then.

 

As for your last statement, I do not question or doubt that.

[Muratus del Mur]

this, all this, after removing character names, should be a lesson for everyone here, because what i read here is not about a single incident but a general situation i saw lots of time before.

 

 

 

And then you force me to do community stuff, rather than letting me do it on my own without pressure, etc. Why? 

 

I think this is my fault, i asked you to do this, and i normally wouldnt ask that from a role that i see to have no connection with anything 'sociable' . I just tried to avoid exactly this sort of frustration and to avoid having everyone scream "favor! fang 2! kill him!" ... but somehow i failed, and made you deviate your way in this process. I don't think you are recoverable (prove me wrong?) but at least the community should learn something out of all this and i shall learn how to deal in the future in similar situations...because as No one said (i think) i have an affinity for such cases in general. Blame it on my childhood if you don't understand my real reasons, lol.

 

good read.

[Curiose]

I only speak for myself, Mur, when I say that the reason I personally drew similarities between him and Fang (and maybe a bit of Seigheart), was because of the social behavior.  It didn't have anything to do with the role at all.  But what they did with the social pressures, and the reactions and the general lack of accountability when those pressures arose.

 

I feel that maybe others feel the same in that regard, however, I cannot speak for those with the biggest opposition.

[DARK DEMON]

I don't think you are recoverable (prove me wrong?)

 

That's mostly all I'm going to focus on now. The last thing I need is people (eg: you) abandoning me.

 

Edit: Mur, it seems like you think its all over and I've given up on my Laby role? You should know that I have not and will never :)

Edited November 7, 2014 by DARK DEMON

[Myth]

I believe there are 3 aspects which lead here.

 

The first I will not comment on, because I do not have enough insight on what transpired in the past between you, DD, and everyone else. Suffice it to say, the first aspect is the past.

 

The second is the way everyone chose to react: knowingly and directly involve the community in the attempt to prove a point. While this may be wrong, I can not advise against it. One should use any and all other means to prove a point, but leave this specific way as a last resort, in case all else fail. The reason should be obvious - things get blown out of proportion.

 

Third is directed to whoever can post announcements. I really don't think it's a good idea to motivate a choice or an action by assigning a name to it. (latest announcement says that "X" will happen because something happened to "Y") My advice is to keep the tone of announcements general, and not personal. Motivate an action with reason, and not specific cases.

[Muratus del Mur]

That announcement was a mistake. Blunt honesty is apparently not socially acceptable

[Myth]

Hehe.. I'm actually all for blunt honesty, but I think it can have a generalized aspect when circumstances sort of "require" it to. :P

[DARK DEMON]

The problem was that people did tell me to not focus on social things because I was "disastrous" at them, but at the same time they demand community approval when I go for a non-social role... is anything to be done about this? What should I do; how should I continue?

Edited November 9, 2014 by DARK DEMON

[Guest]

Zleiphneir.

 

On joining the realm he saw a scene with a tree that to him looked lonely. So he sat at that scene constantly to keep (what was later affectionately named) Bob company. People started stopping at the scene to speak to him and tree, new MDers could see easily who he was and why he was there. Z continued to defend tree against attackers and maintain a group of friendly people to the point where a group naturally formed to guard tree. His role was unique, it came from him and the sympathy he felt for a lonely tree.

 

The community approval he gained was not sought but freely given. The tag/description/spells etc he got were after a considerable time of him playing that role unwaveringly. He needed no shiny items nor spells to fulfill his role.. his role and accessories came from him and simple words and actions ingame.

 

DD, stop trying so hard. Stop asking why? how? on the forums and just do ingame. If others dislike what you are doing, ignore them and keep doing it.. as long as your actions come from you and who you truly are. You don't need an item or a tag to be who you are. You just need to be you.. in game, every day, unwavering. If you continue as you are now, people will always see you as someone who wants a shiny and nothing more.

 

Edited: Typo

Edited November 9, 2014 by Guest

[Azthor]

I will say this sooner rather than later: aiming at the more blatant examples, reader, please read Marvolo's post and my own, then powle's and Aillith's.

 

Now tell me we aren't being even slightly contradictory. 

Edited November 10, 2014 by Azthor

[DARK DEMON]

I will say this sooner rather than later: aiming at the more blatant examples, reader, please read Marvolo's post and my own, then powle's and Aillith's.

 

Now tell me we aren't being even slightly contradictory. 

 

There is indeed contradiction, and like I said it is impossible to please everyone. I'll reply the same which I sent to you in our PM:

 

"I'll obviously try to find a grey area, and I'll share it with you

 

What I plan to do is that I do EVERYTHING I can to go for my role. If someone says against it or dislikes me for it, I will not try to reduce my role or not do what I want to go for, so that I can please them. But at the same time, I will not be rude at all.

 

On the other hand, I'll definitely try and be more appealing and friendly to those who DO want to help me and don't want me to move away from my role (unlike the past when I was rude to everyone and hurt even those who tried to help).

 

I think Ailith meant that I ignore all -negative- external input (that which discourages me) rather than being completely contradictory, and I will do that to the fullest."

 

And something else, which seems obvious: You cannot expect me to suddenly forget my past.

Edited November 10, 2014 by DARK DEMON

[Guest]

With respect, Azthor. You and I wrote about two different things. You and Marv were giving DD advice on how to deal with his issues in relation to his overly personal arguments and reactions with others.

 

I consider this to be a separate issue. I gave an Z as an example and some very simple advice on how to correctly build a role in MD.

 

DD, you were correct in your interpretation in what I meant. Also, nobody should ask you to forget the past, but I would advise you to try to learn from it. Look for me in game if you want to discuss this further.

[Azthor]

Respective contexts taken in account, I do not disagree. Similarly, properly contextualized, powle's own post is not mutually exclusive to Marvolo's.

 

Marvolo speaks of dealing with others.

powle speaks of the community's share of failure.

I do a little of both.

You speak of pursuing a role.

 

But those messages, which can form a cohese whole as such, are superficially contradictory in spirit, for we have simultaneously advised that he both ignore and consider the opinion of others, in different instances.

 

For, indeed, while it would fall within what I have argued that Dark Demon learn to tell when a given input is well-intended or malicious, to wholly ignore any input falls very far from what I had suggested.

 

"If others dislike what you are doing, ignore them and keep doing it.. as long as your actions come from you and who you truly are"

 

"I am asking you to control yourself because you cannot expect of society to embrace you as you are, with no restraints. None of us can"

Edited November 11, 2014 by Azthor

[Guest]

I agree, and it an interesting thing to consider given the circumstances looked at from a broader view. I would love to discuss this with you in game :)

Edited November 10, 2014 by Guest